Chapter Twenty-nine

"Matt's all I can handle right now," Jodi said.

"What's that mean?"

"My life is full, that's what it means. Yours is too. You've got commitments all over the place."

Chapter Twenty-nine

Monday morning's conditioning drills had been rescheduled for 10:00 A.M. Coach Flynn had a prior eight o'clock commitment he couldn't break.

At nine-fifteen, I sat in the living room on the sofa, watching TV and scanning the help-wanted ads in the morning paper. Mom had gone to see the realtor again. She was haggling with the Fredericks over the price of the house.

I intended to call Jodi's grandparents this afternoon to see if they'd had any word about when Matt and Jodi would be home. Jodi hadn't called me. I'd thought about calling her at the hospital, but I didn't want to distract her while she was learning to deal with Matt. And though I was dying to know if she'd been in contact with Luke, I didn't want to heap more trauma on her by asking her about him. What was he going to do? Step up or not? If by chance he did step up, I'd be eliminated from the picture. Problem solved.

And what about my DNA test? What did it prove? Anything we didn't know? Probably not.

There weren't many ads for summer employment, unless I wanted to flip burgers for a fast-food place or bag groceries a supermarket. After my sophomore year, I worked for Schreiber Landscaping, cutting grass at nursing homes. The pay was minimum wage, but I liked the job because I was outside. I spent last summer at Ghost Bay. No job. I didn't know what I wanted to do this summer after the Shriners game. Something physical. Construction, maybe, if I could find something like that. I'd like to build things.

I set the paper down on the coffee table.

If Luke dropped out of the picture, how about if I spent the summer with Jodi and Matt in Wisconsin? Just to see what might happen. To see where our relationship might go. To see if Jodi and I really loved each other. That was better than anything else I could think of. I could help Travis build cabins, repair docks, and clear land for campsites.

I didn't hear anyone pulling into the driveway, so the chimes surprised me when they rang. I pulled the curtains back and looked out a front window.

My Mustang sat in the driveway, gleaming in the sun. Jodi's grandpa's minivan was parked behind my car.

I couldn't see who was at the door. Probably Lois.

The chimes rang again, and I bolted for the door.

When I swung it open, my heart nearly stopped. There stood Jodi, cradling Matt. She turned and waved at her mom and grandpa, both seated in front in the minivan. Grandpa was driving. He backed the vehicle into the street and took off.

Jodi turned back to me.

I couldn't move. I felt stuck in concrete.

"Aren't you going to let us in?" Jodi asked through the screen door.

Matt had snuggled himself deep into a blue blanket. A little blue bonnet on his head shaded his eyes from the sun. He was squirming, making tiny fists, and screwing up his face. A white baby bag rode Jodi's hip, its strap slung over her shoulder. "Well...?" she said. "He's heavy."

I still hadn't moved. Duh! "Sure. C'mon in."

I held the screen door open. As Jodi stepped into the house, I caught a whiff of baby powder mingled with her lilac perfume.

"I'm glad you're home, Michael. I should've called. But we didn't, did we, sweetie?" she said to Matt. "We just got back."

"I didn't expect you so soon."

"Anymore," Jodi said, "they send you home from the hospital as soon as possible."

We stood in the middle of the living room, bright light streaming through the windows on Jodi and Matt. Jodi wore a white blouse, new jeans, and loafers.

"You want to hold him a second while I set these things down?" She held the baby out to me. "He's just waking up, and he's going to be hungry."

I gathered the squirming bundle into my arms. Matt felt heavy and solid. Seven pounds plus. A lot more than a football.

Jodi said, "Have you got him? You have to support his head... That's right."

I touched his cheek with my forefinger. Nothing is as soft and tender as baby skin, I decided. I felt my face breaking into a wide grin.

Jodi slipped the baby bag off her shoulder and set it on the floor by the sofa. Her shape was returning, almost like she'd never had a baby. But her breasts were bigger.

"Here, let me." She scooped Matt out of my arms and sat on the edge of the sofa with him on her lap. "Isn't he a sweetie?" She rubbed her nose against Matt's, Eskimo style.

"Have you talked to Luke?"

Immediately, a pinched look twisted her face. "The Red Cross and the chaplain on his boat set it up so we could talk over a satellite phone for a little bit."

Jodi unwrapped Matt from the blanket. He was making crinkly faces, his cheeks red.

"What did Luke say?"

"He's like, 'You should've settled the whole goddamned problem by getting an abortion.'"

"He said that?"

"He said he didn't believe the baby was his because we'd used condoms, always had, and he's like, 'You created this problem for yourself by keeping the kid. Deal with it.'"

"Are you going to make him take a DNA test?"

"We talked only about three or four minutes, we didn't get to that. But my mom's looking into how to get it done."

"Is my test back?"

"Oh, wow, I'm sorry, Michael. I left my copy in the car—I can't seem to remember everything these days."

"I know...life's confusing..."

"Your copy's in the mail."

"The results?" I tried to breathe at a regular pace.

"Your DNA is not a match. You're not Matt's dad."

My head bowed a little. I didn't know what to say. Maybe something like Wow, that was close! Or maybe, Thank, God! Or, I told you so! But I didn't say any of that. And maybe I should have jumped for joy, but instead I felt my whole body sag a little. "It's hard to believe how things turned out."

"Not really. Life plays funny tricks sometimes."

Matt started to cry.

"Don't cry, sweetie," Jodi cooed.

He was dressed in a light-blue outfit that had feet in it. It snapped down his front and around the inside of his legs. Jodi untied his bonnet and scooped it off, setting it along with his blanket on the coffee table.

Matt's hair was even redder than I remembered.

"Thank you for letting us use your car, Michael."

"I was glad to help. Really."

"My mom drove it here. I can't drive yet because of my stitches. Grandpa followed us—they went to run an errand. Mom filled it with gas this morning and took it to a car wash."

"She didn't have to do that."

"The keys are in the ignition."

I glanced at my watch. Nine-thirty.

"Going someplace?" Jodi asked.

"Uh...no place important."

"I won't stay long. They'll pick me up in a bit. We're going back to Wisconsin tomorrow. Grandma and Grandpa are going with."

"So soon?"

"My dad's trying to handle everything alone at Ghost Bay. He needs help."

Matt looked as if he were trying to jam his fist into his mouth and suck it. Jodi brushed his wispy red hair down and started her knees bouncing.

Suddenly Matt let out a wail and kicked his legs, his face tightening and getting even redder. Jodi hoisted him to her shoulder and patted his back. "Don't cry, baby. You're hungry, aren't you? Yes you are."

Jodi talked to Matt as if he were a regular little adult and understood everything she said.

"You don't mind if I feed him, do you, Michael? He's hungry. I should've fed him before we stopped here, but he was sleeping." She kissed him on the cheek. "Our timing isn't very good, is it, sweetie?"

"Sure, feed him." I expected Jodi to fish a bottle out of the diaper bag. "Do you need to heat his bottle or anything? Microwave it?"

Jodi smiled at me. "Not hardly, Michael. Mommy's going to feed you, sweetie."

She cradled Matt in her lap with her left arm. With her right hand, she unbuttoned her blouse, unhooked the front of her bra, and popped out a breast. Matt didn't have to be shown what to do. He turned his head, latched on, and began to gulp, all in one motion, his tiny hands knotted into fists.

"Isn't that good?" Jodi said to him. "Hand me his blanket, Michael."

I stood staring at Jodi and Matt, fascinated. Seeing a baby nurse was an awesome sight. He was smacking like a little piggy.

"His blanket, Michael." Jodi pointed to the coffee table.

"Huh? Oh...sure."

I gave Jodi the blanket, and she covered Matt with it.

"They told me at school not be embarrassed about nursing. It's a normal activity. I hope you don't mind."

"No—no. I...um...I've never seen a baby nurse before, that's all."

I glanced at my watch again. Nine-forty-five.

Matt jerked his head away and let out a wail. "Have you got a pain, baby?" Jodi pointed. "Michael, in the diaper bag on the floor, there's a small white towel. Hand it to me, please."

"Right."

I dug the towel out of the bag and tossed it to Jodi. While she wiped Matt's mouth with a corner of the towel, he wailed louder, his face turning red again.

I felt a little panicky. "What's wrong with him?"

"He needs to be burped."

Jodi placed the towel over her shoulder and hoisted Matt up again. She started to whack him on the back—I thought a little too hard. But maybe not. In a moment he let out a loud, long Burrrp! and spit up on the towel.

 "Is the pain gone, sweetie? You feel better now? You want more to eat?" Jodi wiped Matt's face again and lowered him to her breast, covering him with the blanket.

While Jodi rocked Matt from side to side in her arms, nursing him, I gazed at the pair silently. Jodi kept her eyes on Matt, kissing him on his head of red hair, and I wondered how I could say what I really wanted to say. I don't know how much time went by. The scene mesmerized me, Jodi nursing Matt. My knee started to jiggle. I couldn't sit here forever just watching. Finally, I drew in a breath, exhaled, and said carefully, "Jodi, listen to me. I'd like to go back to Wisconsin with you."

Matt started to cry. He must've lost his grip on Jodi's nipple. She peeked under the blanket and helped him out.

 I said, "I've got a football game to play, but I'd skip that to spend all the time I can with you and Matt. If your mom and dad don't care. I mean, I could help your dad around Ghost Bay. He needs help, doesn't he?"

Matt started to kick, and his little arms flailed under the blanket.

"Are you full, sweetie? Would you hold him a minute, Michael? I think he's full and needs his diaper changed."

Jodi stood and slid Matt into my arms. His fragrance told me he needed a change, all right.

"How are you doing, Matt?" I tickled his cheek. I swear he smiled. "When are you going to be ready for football practice?" Then to Jodi I said, "Are you listening to me? I want to give us all a chance to know each other better. And become more than just friends."

Jodi hooked her bra cup, buttoned her blouse. She looked me straight in the eye. "What are you talking about, Michael?"

"Since Matt was born, I've been doing a lot of thinking. Even before that..."

"I think if we stay friends," Jodi said, "like now, that's good enough. In fact, I'd like that, us remaining friends."

"I'd like to give us all a chance to be a family."

Jodi's green eyes pierced me. "But why, Michael? Why now? I mean, I don't think I kept it a secret I cared for you. A whole lot. But you're not part of this anymore."

"I want to be."

"From the beginning you didn't want me, not even at Ghost Bay, and when I got to Grandview the thought of a baby freaked you out. Big time." Tears gathered in Jodi's eyes.

"Only at first."

From the baby bag she pulled out a disposable diaper, a little tube of ointment, and a yellow plastic canister the size of a coffee can, a tissue sticking out of the top. She set everything on the coffee table. Then she pulled a small foam pad out of the diaper bag and smoothed it out on the couch.

"Matt's all I can handle right now," Jodi said.

"What's that mean?"

"My life is full, that's what it means. Yours is too. You've got commitments all over the place."

"I'd like to make a commitment to Matt and you."

"Don't play me, Michael. Not again."

"I'm not."

"What happens the first time we have a fight? Or like you get bored—you miss your football buddies? Or you hate changing diapers? Or you can't stand listening to a baby cry any longer? What happens then?"

"I can handle all that."

"Not for long. Eventually you'll accuse Matt and me of depriving you from becoming a star. You'll accuse us of ruining your life. You'll feel trapped. You'll bail."

"Never."

Jodi shook her head; tears dripped from her eyes.

"I'd never say any of those things—none of that would ever happen."

"You're right, Michael, it won't happen. I won't let it." Jodi snatched Matt from me. She changed his diaper, rolled it up, and handed it to me. "Don't put it down the toilet, it'll plug everything up."

Gingerly, I took the diaper from her with my thumb and forefinger. It smelled ripe. It wasn't the kind of handoff I was used to. "Put it outside in the garbage can," she said.

I went outside through the garage and threw the diaper into the garbage. The spring morning was beautiful—blue sky, warm sun, and fresh air. Mornings would be even more beautiful in Wisconsin. Pine scent in the air. Loons calling from across Big Sand Lake.

I kicked the garbage can, and the lid flew off. I tossed the diaper in, picked up the lid, and slammed it back on the can.

Jodi was telling me the same thing I'd told her at Ghost Bay: She didn't have a place for me in her life. She was giving me the same message I'd given her when she came to Grandview: She didn't want to be involved with me.

Besides, she didn't need me. She had Matt. He'd keep her plenty busy. Her folks would help her. She didn't need Luke or me. I looked at my watch. Ten o'clock. I was going to be late for conditioning.

A horn honked in front of the house.

When I hurried back into the living room, Matt was lying on the sofa, Jodi bending over him, tying his bonnet. She'd wrapped him in his blanket and had put his gear away in his baby bag.

"He's going to sleep," Jodi said, and turned to look at me, her eyes clear of tears now. "Mom and Grandpa are outside waiting." She slung the baby bag over her shoulder. "I'd better go."

I glanced again at my watch. "I've got conditioning for the all-star game at ten, but I don't have to go. Let me take you home so we can talk more about this."

"Good-bye, Michael. I appreciate all your help, I really do. You turned out to be a great friend, I'll never forget you."

That was the same thing I'd said to her when we parted on that last night at Ghost Bay: I'll never forget you.

Jodi marched out the front door and down the drive, the baby bag thudding off her thigh. I wasn't ready to give up. I stalked after her and stopped her at the back of my Mustang. "Jodi, listen to me..."

Tears rushed to her eyes again.

"I'll call you," I said. "Maybe you'll change your mind."

She shook her head. "Don't."

"Then you call me," I said. "I called you. Remember? May eleventh."

"No."

"Please?" My heart ached so bad I wanted to scream. And I hated begging. But what else could I do? All I wanted was a chance. "Please."

"No, Michael..."

"What does Matt want? Have you asked him? What does he say? He's got a voice in this, too. Ask him."

Jodi's eyes flinched, as if I'd struck a nerve.

"You have to think about him," I said. "Maybe he likes me. Ask him. I like him..."

She whirled and ran for her grandpa's station wagon. At the door, she turned back to look at me, hesitating a moment, as if she were debating, maybe thinking about changing her mind. At least, that's what I thought was going on—hope rushed in—but I was wrong. She jumped into the minivan and slammed the sliding door shut.

My shoulders slumped; my heart sank. Grandpa, Matt, and Jodi drove away. Nobody even waved good-bye.

I didn't want to be a dad, anyway, did I?

I have a cannon for a leg.

But for a moment I thought maybe I had longer field goals to kick.

Coming Friday—Chapter Thirty: A phone call from Jodi. (One chapter left, an epilogue, and final thoughts)